My Dear Readers,
Sorry you haven't heard from me in a couple of days, I've been "elsewhere."
Saturday evening (May 21st) just around 6 o'clock I was puttering around here minding my own business, when suddenly I found myself in what appeared to be a big field. I have no idea how I got there but then I became aware of the time and realized that by some obvious mistake of nature I had been "raptured" or "captured" or perhaps "craptured" I figured I must be in what passes for heaven. How could this possibly happen to a non-believer? Got me. There is much about this place I don't yet understand.
Off to my right I noticed what appeared to be a very shiny village of some sort. I wandered over and found a gated community made of what appears to be gold! Geez! Is this heaven? I thought. Around at the front I found a golden gate encrusted with pearls and there was indeed a guy with a long beard who called himself St Peter. He gave me a brief introduction to where I was and what the "rules" were. Apparently, for the faithful, you start out pretty much where you expect to go. But you don't have to stay, you can go to another "heaven or paradise" or you can opt out completely and choose oblivion. It seems there really is no hell as life on earth pretty much fills that role. I asked what this golden place was and if I could take a tour.
St. Peter answered that this particular place was the starting point for Evangelical Conservative Christians. All I had to do was spell "chrysanthemum" and I was in for the tour! Well! The place looks pretty much like the fundies describe - everything is gold and everyone is walking around singing hymns and Hosanna's and playing the harp. There aren't many folks here. You would think if people planned to spend eternity in a place where everyone plays the harp they might have taken lessens before they croaked, but Noooooo, these people can't play the harp for shit. Do you have any idea what singing hymns and Hosanna's to lousy harp playing is like? Cacophony is a pretty good word. And all that gold. Sheesh! That stuff is not comfortable to sit on. And the big surprise of all to me was That's It! They don't do anything else all day long! Can you spell BORING????? Sadly most of these dumb shits didn't even think to ask if they can get out, so there they are stuck for eternity playing the harp and getting sore asses from sitting on gold. Ugh! I couldn't wait to leave.
In another direction I noticed what appeared to be palm trees. I figured that looked pretty nice so I meandered over there for a spell. Well, seems I got "lucky" again as I had found the Radical Jihadist Muslim Paradise. Well, these guys certainly had more comfortable accommodation than the fundamentalist Christians. Very nice and comfortable pillows and music playing and dates to eat. Alas, I discovered that they too get what they believe in. Each of those nut case jihadists are indeed served by 72 virgins. Half of them are catholic nuns who had been school teachers, others were Muslim women who were treated like crap by the men in their lives, and the rest are lesbians. Those poor guys are getting their knuckles cracked with rulers on a regular basis and are not getting ANY sex at all. After one of those teacher nuns started giving me the hairy eyeball I decided go check someplace else out. I really had to hustle though because all those dates had given me the shits. This also did not look like a place I wanted to spend eternity.
This place is really odd!
Strolling along a little further I ran across a park that resembles Hyde Park in London. I discovered that the place I had stumbled on is called Gods' Park. No that is not a typo Gods' Park (plural possessive). All the gods seem to gather there and shoot the breeze. All of the old gods are there the Egyptians, the Greeks, the Persians, the Norse, the Hindus - all of them. When I wandered by they were having forth on monotheism and having a pretty good chuckle in the bargain. Joe (aka Yahoo, Yaweh, Jehovah) was defending himself from the Greek gods saying that he never said he was the ONLY god, just the personal god of the Jews and that they weren't allowed to have any other god before him. The guy most people call Jesus said, "Well, I have to admit that I kind of pushed that idea that you were the only one too but the dumb clucks got it all wrong. They set up a new religion, named it after me and then tried to spin it so that you and me, Joe, are the same god! And that wasn't enough. The orthodox churches set up a bunch of small gods to pray to called 'saints' and the orthodox churches like the Eastern and the Roman Catholics moved right back to polytheisim but still say they believe in one god! Go figure!"
This was really getting interesting. Alas, I saw Sam Clemens coming my way and he did not look happy. He said if I wrote about this stuff I would be infringing on his copyright and I better not even try it. He seems to be pretty possessive about his Letters from Earth, [http://www.positiveatheism.org/hist/twainlfe.htm] so I promised I would not publish my observations.
Although there is a great deal to explore here, I am not sure that I want to spend too much time here. Shucks! I don't even believe this place exists, so perhaps I am hallucinating. On the other hand, an eternity here doesn't look too promising either. It might be interesting for a while but long term could get to be a drag. I think I will go see if I can find some Hindus or Sikhs or Buddhists. Maybe I can get in on that reincarnation thing and get a ticket back home. If you hear from me tomorrow you will know I got back.
Hugs from "heaven?"
Jim
PS. I am sending this from a public terminal they have here. It's really quite nifty. I don't have to type anything just think my thoughts!
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